Tuesday, 14 November 2017

Who I want to be

When I was six, my answer to the question "what do you want to be?" was a simple one, "a vet". I wanted to save animals, and I would draw photos of myself in vet scrubs, attending to a dog, a cat or a hamster. When my father passed away, he left me a letter that said "I'm not sure if you would be able to be a vet, as you wouldn't want to put an animal to sleep" and it was true, I couldn't. 
When I was 11, my answer to the question "what do you want to be?" changed to "I want to be in the army". The reason for this change? My cousin attending Sandhurst. 
I became fixated on this, and would focus solely on the fact I would join the army as either a dog handler or a 'vet tech'. I would watch documentaries, read books and overall fantasise about joining the army. 
When I was 13, I freak accident meant that I kissed goodbye to my career in the army. 
Deep down, I knew they wouldn't allow me to join. My spine was buggered, my pelvis even more so, and my hips were tattered. Still, I refused to believe the blinding obvious, and continued to tell everyone I would join the army as a soldier. I almost managed to convince myself that this could happen, as I became stronger and the daily pain in my spine and pelvis turned from a fiery pain to a dull ache. 
My sister said that she had never seen anyone look as sad as I did when I received the letter that said I wouldn't be eligible to join the military based on medical grounds. To this day, I remember the mind numbing pain of reading those letter on the paper. At the time, it felt like my entire world had just ended. What the hell was I supposed to do now? 
Now, at the age of 24 (just), when asked the question "what do you want to be?" my answer has changed dramatically. 
It is not a career that I have in mind when I answer the question now. It's not a position in a company which I would work my bottom off for. It is plain and simple. 
"What do you want to be?"
I want to be happy. I want to be content. And I want to be appreciated. 
The end to my dads final letter to me was clear;
"Whatever you do, I want you to be happy", and happy I will be.

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